Please, let me fuck your mom
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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