But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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