Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
