How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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