he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
