Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did I show you my penis last night?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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