And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
