My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
