I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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