Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
