I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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