You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
