I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize