I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
