I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize