im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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