The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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