And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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