I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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