Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
