in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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