you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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