We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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