I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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