i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
and you fell through a lawn chair
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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