She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
