i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
