I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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