Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
