I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
