i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
