I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
