bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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