I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
