Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
