you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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