I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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