So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
