you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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