i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
