So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
