Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
