Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
