you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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