i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
