She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
