if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
