He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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