when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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