What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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