five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
