it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
