ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
