This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
