Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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