new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
