she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
