I hate your face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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