She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize