the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
