So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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