God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
