Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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