Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
