im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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