i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
