Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
