Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
