not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Semen is not good for contacts.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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