My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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