Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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